First of all, holy shit I wrote up a storm. My apologies. I'm sick and typing is perfect for my current energy level LOL so i just went all in.

The main thing you would want to check for is cliches and ways of saying them differently and saying something more meaningful.

Verse 1
Life is for the living (cliche) - ask yourself WHY is life worth living in order to go deeper

Don't worry just keep giving - not a cliche, but you can do better - perhaps explain WHY not to worry (but don't TELL us, SHOW with imagery, simile, etc...paint the picture)

The present keeps falling into the past - this line by itself doesn't really carry the meaning it should until we hear the next line. often that is okay but just CONSIDER rewording these lines

We can't hold on to it, it's moving too fast - i like how you mention "can't hold on" - you could try in a simile or metaphor to really make that physical or dive into the touch sense

Realize it's gone, just keep moving on - ask yourself, WHAT does it mean to move on? HOW do we move on? WHY is it hard to move on? write about that

Cause there's really nothing that can be done. - yes there is. explain this. again, don't TELL or "preach", just show us...give us a scene...invite us into your movie, your novel

Chorus
Cause the past is history
And the future is a mystery - past is history is a cliche, but i think the way you followed up with this new phrase (unless it's a cliche too? i don't think so) ties in to make it brilliant

But now is a gift - "now is a gift" - I'm not sure if that's grammatically perfect and everything, but I love it. I think everybody intuitively understands this use of "Now" as a noun, a thing...

That's why we call it the present - this pun made me smile, but perhaps it was a bit too lighthearted for the song. unless you want a lighthearted song, then make it obvious that way from start to finish. but i think you have such a deeper message in here that you need to present (hehe) it more deeply.

First of all before we go into the second verse I have to admit I barely remember hearing it after listening to this song a few times through. That is NOT a good thing. One thing I could address is that it may have helped to match lines 1 and 2 rhythmically to lines 1 and 2 of the first verse, so there is something common to latch onto.

Also I suspect that trying to rhyme the first and second lines of your verses and so quickly, may have sabotaged the opportunity to really start them off strong in terms of what is expressed. If I were you I think I would have just put one longer line there instead of two that connect.

Verse 2
Whatever will be - you phrased this too quickly for it to register meaningfully especially as it is a short and kind of awkward sentence. i would recommend, maybe drop the rhyme and say "whatever will happen" or a similar word to happen (looking up synonyms is your friend)

We just can't see - you could leave it like this, but it is a common superficial lyric and you could go deeper if you want - maybe talk about being blind to it, blind faith, make an imagery of fog blocking something (i'm just throwing out random ideas)

Live in the moment and you'll always be free - these are kind of cliches, but the connection between them is good and the way you sang them really jumps out making this the highlight of your verse. but lines 1 and 2 need that kind of strength too, lyrically and/or in the vocal delivery.

What you do now will determine your reality - my first reaction to this line is "no shit" - try not to state the obvious in a lyric, ever! I would ask you, what are you really trying to say when you put that in there? If someone asked you "explain that lyric" - explore that elaboration to help you figure out what you really meant, and then once you've found THAT, maybe try throwing Phil's exercise at it to turn it from telling that message deeper into SHOWING it deeper.

So get up and go - "what you do now" and "get up and go" - the rhythm you sang is too short and takes the emphasis away from what you are saying. pick a rhythm that is similar to how you would phrase it if you just speak the words.

Stop trying and start doing what you know - good lyric. others might call it preachy but I am not too sensitive to that stuff so i am not the person to ask. i just like it because it is to the point of what you're trying to convey, not a cliche, and it makes me THINK.

Bridge
The moment you realize it - realize WHAT? if you want it general, maybe take out "it"? but that's funky too - plus you already said realize in your verse - consider a synonym or rewording

The moment's already gone
That's why I keep moving on - you already said moving on in your first verse! Another rule of thumb, generally, try not to repeat yourself in a lyric outside of the chorus.

That's what I do as I sing this song - cliche and a half! We know you are singing and writing songs to deliver a message, you don't have to tell us. This might be another example of where the rhyme is sabotaging you and leading you to write a lyric that doesn't really mean anything.

Dealing with whatever I control - I would personally change it it to "whatever I can control"
Leaving the rest up to my soul - this and the line before it, killer.

Whatever has been and whatever will be - repeating yourself again but this is where you SHOULD say whatever will be because it fits more smoothly in the sentence. Then you would just replace the first lines in the second verse.

I'll just let it flow - YES! great line and perfect placement - the end of a bridge is a great place for a lyric like this that has extra power - in this case, this simple feeling of letting go and outpouring, surrendering to what happens...but you're using a less common, but still universally understood verb to say that...brilliant. On top of all that, the way you dropped out the music behind it is very effective.

In summary, the things for you to focus on are:

In the earlier stages of writing a song:

Do lyric exercises and general creative writing exercises on a frequent basis. Phil and I mentioned some good ones and there are many many others. They don't all have to make their way into actual songs, I think simply doing them will improve your lyrics naturally.

Explore metaphor, simile, imagery, and all the senses.

Focus on SHOWING not TELLING (hopefully that makes sense, let me know if I should try to explain further). But writing out in telling first can be a cool avenue to discovering and focusing what you want to show.

In the later stages:

Inwardly ask yourself who, what, when, where, why, how incessantly, and answer through your lyric. Not every song answers them all, but think of it like:
-why, how, and what relate to your argument. a message song like this needs these answered very well.
-who, when, where relate to the setting. not as applicable for this song and are kind of more tricky to convey gracefully (I'm still not good at it) but great lyricists do often answer them, especially right in the top of the first verse, just like a book introduces its setting very early.

Go back and make sure every single line is strong, or pairs of lines - you seem to do nicely with pairing two short lines together to make a good point so maybe play to that strength but you don't want to rely on it as a crutch either.

Don't be afraid to look up synonyms and rhymes whenever you feel it could help.

Take care not to get preachy. Encouraging may be a better way to go about it and it's again rooted in showing not telling.

That's a nice segway to a recommendation for a great lyric I discovered recently that I think you should check out for influence/inspiration/guidance - Village Ghetto Land by Stevie Wonder, lyrics written by Gary Byrd. Excellent example of delivering a strong message but in a way that's encouraging, not pushy, just makes us think, and encapsulates the listener into what is going on through showing not telling. Check out his use of words and language too, really neat and clever stuff, some of it we have terms for (lots of imagery, i saw a line with personification too), some of it I'm not so sure, but try to think hard about how he came up with what he did and that will teach you a lot.

Cheers Adam, and if any of this seems over your head just take it with a grain of salt. Maybe copy and save this post and come back to it periodically. I feel like I am revealing what I learned slowly over many years all at once and I'm not sure how quickly one can handle all of it.

mystarryeyes said

@ Adam: Once you become more sure-footed and confident as a writer, you'll be better able to take heed of advice you consider useful and disregard the rest.

Alright, I look forward to the journey of getting there!

mystarryeyes said

@ Adam: Once you become more sure-footed and confident as a writer, you'll be better able to take heed of advice you consider useful and disregard the rest.

agreed

mystarryeyes said
Personally speaking, I think it's lyrically very cool, if they were my lyrics, I'd be very happy with them. And The Present is not only a great title, it complements the sentiments expressed in those lyrics.

I think so too but I guess you and I are in the minority in this regard. I do see, however, that some of the lyrics are cliches and it is a very straightforward style of writing which is not for everyone I guess.

Cheers,

John

It is also available on bandcamp.com where you guys can purchase it really cheap and show your support and get a high quality download of the song if you liked it- http://adammishan.bandcamp.com.....he-present

Thank you guys for all the great comments and support I hope to become a better lyricist and come back swinging with the next one, I'm pumped

Congratulations, once again. Here's to many more.

Great, great job.

Sincerely,

John

I have actually been talking a lot with my friend who is a writer about it, and he agrees with much you guys have said. I guess I am used to proper essay style writing so my lyrics came out very straightforward like that. In the future I will try to be more veiled and poetic.

Musically, I liked the bridge. It reminded me a lot of Simple Minds's Someone Somewhere In Summertime. Of course, your vocals were good - they also matched the message. Without knowing much about contemporary pop/rock music, I had a feeling that the song fit some mainstream markets. For that reason only, Owen's advice on the song title is right. Otherwise there are plenty of great songs with arbitrary or non-lyric titles.

There's a member on this forum called mystarryeyes who did at least one highly acclaimed song in the 70s. You should get his opinion if you can.

Phil Moufarrege said

great job Adam. great singing too.
A cool exercise you can try when writing lyrics is to place a limitation on your method of communication:
For example, how would you say everything you said in that song if you could only describe it through sight or touch?
Or if you had to compare it to an event such as describe the concept of living in the now but only using the beach/sunset/ocean as metaphors/similes.
I think you are going places dude. great work

just quickly adding some things on to these points that i was taught - great concepts to bring up Phil and good exercises too, I'll have to remember to try them myself!

About using metaphors and similes - generally it is best with metaphors to stick with one very strong metaphor and use it for the whole song (otherwise the listener kind of gets lost - unless you want that), whereas with similes you can sprinkle different ones all over the place and compare to lots of different things

as for using sight or touch, use all your senses and don't forget to look past the 5 senses, there is also like feeling of balance or imbalance, gut feelings, etc.

A great exercise for that I was taught is called "object writing" where you pick an object and free-write about it for 10 minutes using all senses.

I also like to just complete open-ended free write, I'm coming up with a new term for this (i may have stolen it from a classmate, shhh) - "word vomit" I just explosively let out everything that's on my mind, everything I feel, zero holding back, until I've said everything I want to say for a particular song. So you go through this explosive wild creative writing phase first and then go back and be the analytic, the judge, separately. Cut cut cut cut rearrange rearrange scramble edit edit edit rinse and repeat until it's a tidy polished set of lyrics. It's a longer process than you may be used to but it's pretty fool proof.