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Lost in life
December 6, 2014
7:43 am
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Col1993
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So here's the thing: I'm a 21 year student but I have no idea what I want to do with my life nor do I really enjoy my current situation.

I study social work at the moment but don't really enjoy the education too much. I'm in my last year now...so hopefully I'll make it in a few months and then have the choice to study something more advanced. What I don't know, though. Psychology could be interesting but I can't say that I've done lots of research about that education yet. People around me telling me what they do know and want makes me jealous sometimes. I feel like I'm walking in a desert without realizing which direction I'm going at. Is there still plenty of time for me to find out what I want? I believe so, but at the same time I realize that the time gets shorter and shorter. At one time I should have a job to provide myself but so far I have no clue in which field that exactly would be.

Then the other thing: my lack of social contacts disappoints me. The thing is, I'm a good person as far as I'm concerned, I have plenty of hobbies/interests yet whenever I ask people to hang out I get the ''yeah sure we can do that, I'll give you a call'' reply....which means I don't hear anything back of them. Back on primary school I was surrounded by friends so I find it disappointing to realize that my social circle has decreased so much thorough the years. There are some of my class that I spend time with outside school, but they have their own struggles at times which means that they're not in the mood to spend time outside of it, which I understand. I'm not a very courageous person either, which is the reason why I've yet to have an actual girlfriend. I find it hard to take risks and rather stay in my comfort zone which isn't bringing me much joy either.

I hope I don't come off too much as a desperate guy but could get some advice on this if that's fine.

December 6, 2014
3:13 pm
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OwenKorzec
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Col1993 said

So here's the thing: I'm a 21 year student but I have no idea what I want to do with my life nor do I really enjoy my current situation.

I study social work at the moment but don't really enjoy the education too much. I'm in my last year now...so hopefully I'll make it in a few months and then have the choice to study something more advanced. What I don't know, though. Psychology could be interesting but I can't say that I've done lots of research about that education yet. People around me telling me what they do know and want makes me jealous sometimes. I feel like I'm walking in a desert without realizing which direction I'm going at. Is there still plenty of time for me to find out what I want? I believe so, but at the same time I realize that the time gets shorter and shorter. At one time I should have a job to provide myself but so far I have no clue in which field that exactly would be.

Then the other thing: my lack of social contacts disappoints me. The thing is, I'm a good person as far as I'm concerned, I have plenty of hobbies/interests yet whenever I ask people to hang out I get the ''yeah sure we can do that, I'll give you a call'' reply....which means I don't hear anything back of them. Back on primary school I was surrounded by friends so I find it disappointing to realize that my social circle has decreased so much thorough the years. There are some of my class that I spend time with outside school, but they have their own struggles at times which means that they're not in the mood to spend time outside of it, which I understand. I'm not a very courageous person either, which is the reason why I've yet to have an actual girlfriend. I find it hard to take risks and rather stay in my comfort zone which isn't bringing me much joy either.

I hope I don't come off too much as a desperate guy but could get some advice on this if that's fine.

Okay I'm 19 and have known what I wanted for a long time, so I can't really say I've been there (except on the social struggles aspects), but I'll try to help anyways. By the way, many people are exactly like you in that they go through college not knowing what they really wanted.

If you are not feeling your education relates to what you want to do, you have to change SOMETHING. There are many many many options how you can do that, but write them all down and do some research and make the decision that's most in line with what you want. The issue now is that you are simply "sailing through" and not thinking. I recommend you try some advice Phil gave me - every night before bed, sit down (or lay down, stand up, pace around, whatever's comfortable), alone, and ask questions to yourself about your life purpose and what you want, how to get there, etc. for 30 minutes. Write down any important questions or answers that come into your head.

That will carve the emotional path and then of course to sort out the crazy details of university education you'll have to do some research during the day too.

One thing to keep in mind though is that everything you do adds up to how well you fit a job position. I know a lot of family and friends who have combined multiple aspects of themselves - some that come from their degree, some that come from a hobby, etc. in surprising ways, and end up being perfect for certain jobs that require a unique mix of skills. So don't be too worried that your degree will go to waste, and at the same time, don't be worried that any education you get without a degree will be overlooked. Many of your skills can be honored it you find the right career.

"I'll give you a call" is not a very proactive way to initiate a hangout, that's interesting. Do you ever have people just leave it at "yeah we should totally hang out some time!" and there's no number or social media exchanged, and/or no time and place decided? That's the problem I see more often, I'll let you know all about that if you think that's more of the issue. It's pretty simple anyways - if the other person doesn't initiate, you have to.

In response to "I'll give you a call" not working I'd try to reply with (in your own natural wording) "actually do you have any time in mind for next week? I'd like to hang out as soon as possible"

I don't think that's being awkward or pushy, just proactive.

The key overall for any social initiation, for me, I would best describe for now as a combination of being proactive and honest, but presented in a kind and genuine way. Try to put yourself in the other shoes or treat it like you would treat someone during the middle of a friendship. Never fake anything, just try to say what you really mean instead of holding back and expecting the other person to take care of it. There is no benefit to that. But remember to keep a positive vibe and that will help prevent you from being too blunt.

I haven't had a girlfriend since middle school so I'm with you on that. However, I am also very deadset on not wasting my time with the wrong person, so I use that as part of my validation for why I haven't had one in so long. If you have an additional reason like that, embrace it - maybe social fear might not be the only issue - regardless, I think your intuition will guide you to the right person if you approach everything as proactive and honest, but presented in a kind and genuine way.

As for taking risks, start doing so in a field you're more comfortable with. It will bleed into your social life eventually.

For instance I started taking more risks as a performer and I started noticing it was actually a way of getting my audiences excited. Then I started realizing that's a social success in and of itself and over time I would like to extrapolate qualities of my performing self that go outside of my comfort zone because I'm doing them as a result of doing my passion (playing music), into my everyday lifestyle. Because why not be passionate and use that to steer you outside of your comfort zone 24/7!

If you would like, I don't know you have a little email link on this website, but recently this rapper Tyler, the Creator posted an inspirational rant on facebook that might be very helpful to you. It was so inspiring to me and I copied it into a word document for myself. Its tone is quite unique (lots of swearing) but this guy would be a great role model for you regarding someone who has stepped out of society's expectations in favor of living their passion, having social success, and breaking the idea of a comfort zone altogether. The way he explained it is so simple and perfect and his character is clearly present even in his writing style, all the way through.

December 6, 2014
5:48 pm
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daniel formica
San luis Obispo, Ca
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well to keeping this short and trying not to sound to much like uncle daniel(however I'm older than your parents most likely ;)) As you get older relationships will end (my daughter is realizing this ) but on the good side fewer but stronger lifetime bonds will happen. heres an idea get a job.. all through my life from a child to a grown up I had jobs starting with cleaning an italian restaurant and shucking peppers as a kid or picking tomatoes or working at the local grocery store or kmart(actually Caldor) I met so many characters and people that helped shape me as a person on how to deal with different personalities in person not hiding behind a keyboard which most young people do now a days and that really doesn't form true relationships (rarely).. Its pushes outside your comfort zone and builds character and responsibility and helps you meet new people who have different dreams and goals other than the college folk. i could go on but i hate writing on the keyboard.. Just a an idea give it a shot a lot of young people are coddled by their parents(i had to work to help my family with bills) which keeps them from growing as a person. try it good luck

December 6, 2014
8:01 pm
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Phil Moufarrege
Japan
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Hey Colin,
What I honestly think will help you so much is to start a band. It doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't have to be serious. Just get a band going. This will put you in touch with other like-interested musicians and your social circle will grow from there as well as your singing ability, confidence. And you will start to figure out what you want to do.

Years ago I would literally join about 3-4 bands at once. Some were beyond my skill level, some were under my skill level. They were just hobbies not super crazy serious. But I did it to gain experience and just also to have fun and grow a social circle - I met lots of cool people and then when we would do a show I would meet other bands etc and you give them your facebook or email or whatever to stay in touch. I didn't necessarily love the music they were making either. Don't let the pursuit of 10/10 perfection paralyze you bro!

Lastly if people are flaking on you don't rely on them to call you back. You be the one that calls.

Seriously dude join or create a band just for fun. It will be so good for you.

I agree with Dan wholeheartedly on how just "getting out there" will forge your character. It will give you the drive you are needing

@PhilMoufarrege
Online Vocal Coach, Singer/Songwriter
Grow-The-Voice.com | PHILMOUFARREGE.com

December 7, 2014
3:43 am
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OwenKorzec
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Brilliant points above by Phil and Dan. If I were you I'd take both their suggestions.

There's much more to this Colin, but the mere fact that you are asking a great social circle of singers (albeit through cyberspace, but it's a start) for advice, leads me to believe you will do fine in your future, however it plays out.

Success all comes down to simple life principles like that - asking for help is a HUGE one so consider yourself already ahead of some folks who are much more literally "lost in life"

December 13, 2014
4:04 am
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Col1993
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Thanks for all your replies, people. You definitely have some good points.

In fact, I've contacted my ex guitar teacher and asked if he could mean anything for me when it comes down to finding band people. He who gave me some website links I could look at and an E-mail of a student of him also into metal music and would like to start a band as well! I've chatted some with this student and we're going to meet up soon. Perhaps we could check/fill in some band application forms on different websites together.

I'm pretty excited about it and I'm really curious on where this whole process will take me. Laugh

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